How to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Orgasms

Do you find yourself during the act of lovemaking feeling self-conscious? Does it prevent you from enjoying the encounter and reaching orgasm? Even though your partner tells you, they love you and your body? 

I saw a post on social media from a woman in her mid 20’s struggling with this issue and decided to share my personal experience. By discussing topics openly we can all have a sort of collective healing, at least that’s my hope. 

I know it did for me. I’m a bigger, curvier girl. Never felt comfortable in my skin. 

I can remember one such encounter with a partner. He was new to me. On occasion, he was a one-night stand that turned into a couple-of-of-night-stands on occasion. He loved bigger women and older ones (which he told me immediately.) We were in The Act, and all I could think of was my thighs were jiggling, my stomach was moving, and I was in my head, having a hard time enjoying. Then at that very moment, he states again, “I love how your stomach moves and your thighs jiggle.” I was astonished. Was he reading my mind? What happened next was I was able to relax because I felt his statement was genuine and not just bullshit to laid. I remember thinking, “Yes, ride’em, cowboy,” and did. I gained confidence and realized different people like different body types.

That encounter opened my eyes to a few things. 

Why didn’t I believe him? 

I wasn’t one to trust easily. I just met him, was he saying it to get laid? The message I received as a young girl was that my body wasn’t in vogue, making me self-conscious. Being called names and being made fun of as a kid didn’t help either. I didn’t have a boyfriend until my senior year and only because I lost weight. I wasn’t comfortable with sex in my 20s because I gained back weight. Plus being uneducated when it came to my body and its pleasure and leaving it up to my partner to please me because I thought they knew more about me than me. What a cycle of nonsense! I’m still learning today and eager to find new ways to pleasure myself and my partner. 

What was so wrong with my body that I felt I didn’t deserve pleasure?

The toxic thoughts that run through my mind at times are astonishing. The judgments I hold on to need punishments to reflect the thoughts. I might overeat, drink or even shop too much. Anything to self soothe the chatter. It’s a crazy loopy cycle. 

I had to really reflect on where all of this started. It’s a combination of programming from early childhood, school, church, society, and wherever the message would imprint on me from limiting beliefs. It was my attachment style that was hindering the process too. (More to come on that!)

How do I fix this?

The not-so-easy part. Lots of hard fucking work. It’s a daily reminder to focus on my goodness. It’s a natural habit to scold and admonish myself for the slightest imperfections and what I believe to be my faults. Today I have to consciously remind myself that it’s a story I tell myself, made up of toxic bullshit thoughts. And I remind myself to focus on the parts of my body and life that keep me in good feeling vibration. 

Another reminder is when I’m having sex to enjoy the encounter. When I feel self-conscious about my body: I bring myself back to the moment by breathing, slowing everything down, and touching myself on the arm, face, breast, leg—any place to ground myself. I will tell my partner what is happening, and they will reassure me, compliment me or even lovingly touch me. 

The biggest sex organ in our body is the brain. Learning to recognize the cues from the mind and body and rewire them will bring you the greatest pleasure known. However, it takes courage, communication, and practice. If your partner is unwilling to assist in the process or doesn’t understand, love coaching can help.  To find out more about my love coaching, learn more here.